Heather Roy's Diary: Special Guest Edition
act-new-zealand
Sat Sep 05 2009 12:00:00 GMT+1200 (New Zealand Standard Time)
Heather Roy's Diary: Special Guest Edition
Saturday, 5 September 2009, 12:22 pm
Press Release: ACT New Zealand
Special Guest Edition
Hon Heather Roy, ACT Deputy Leader
Friday, September 4 2009
I've been visiting our troops in the Solomon Islands this week so the diary has been provided by a guest 'ghost' writer.
Few are aware that, somewhere between Heaven and Hell is a third place. It is only here, in the de-politicoreligious zone or DPRZ as it is known, that old friends separated at death by choices made earlier, can meet for a drink and discuss the issues of the day. Within the DPRZ is an inner sanctum reserved for former Members of Parliament. This is the scene of today's tale.
Rob, in his usual chair, is chatting animatedly to Norm and Keith about fractional reserve weather patterns. The barman has heard it all before and quietly polishes his re-fibrillator. In strolls Dave and a couple of former Aussie PMs.
"Did you hear the news about our retirement benefits? Dave announced. They're saying that they're going to axe them in the interests of greater transparency and because of the recession!"
"aah haa har", bellowed Rob. "All they need to achieve that is a policy stapling operation." His obvious joy at his own wisecrack almost made him spill his ambrosia. Slowly recovering himself, he put on a serious face and intoned that, in just seven days, he could solve all the nation's problems.
"OK Rob…let's hear it", Norm chuckled.
"It's all about sending the right signals," Rob declared.
"For a start – forget the invisible hand. They need to get out there and pick some winners. Move a bit of the power around. Keep everyone guessing. That'll settle the market down no end and strengthen the Government's hand!
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"The secret to the market working is controlling the supply and demand. Take my carless days for instance. That was a huge success and could be applied to pretty much any situation. Each party in Parliament on a sitting day should have a 'member-less day' on a pro-rata basis so no-one gets too comfortable in power."
"You could have school-free days which would reduce truancy and classroom ratios by 20 percent. Sickness and injury-free days would slash hospital waiting lists and ACC claims by a similar sum. Banks should have profitless days and beneficiaries could have welfare-free days. It'd have the deficit back in order in a flash!"
Rob looked quite pleased with his insights and beamed at his audience. The barely audible 'click' was the sound of the barman conducting a function test on his re-fibrillator.
"But what about democracy Rob?" they said almost as one voice.
"Democracy? aah haa har! Well if you think that's necessary then why not copy those new-fangled reality TV shows? Students could vote teachers off the teaching roster just like we all got voted off the island, Rob chuckled.
"But there's nothing like a bit of pain to give a nation some character. Remember the wartime rationing? Made us what we are today! Society is getting soft with all this consultation and the like. All they need to do to educate people – to change their behaviour permanently - is to whack a 'sin' tax on the things that are no good for us like tofu, mung beans and anything made from seawood after it has been ingested by a whale. And by sin tax I don't mean tax sin!"
Rob did drop his glass this time in delight at his own kupu kanikani.
"But some people like or need those things, Rob" Dave offered hopefully.
"Well I liked scotch but no-one ever dropped the excise on it – even me come to think of it - harrr!" Rob retorted.
"If they want or need something that badly, they can just grease up to their doctor and get a prescription as was the case for margarine and so on when the farmers needed a hand. It would certainly make medical school a far more attractive deal for kids and they wouldn't be running off to social science degrees just to avoid the student loan."
Everyone looked down uncomfortably at the clouds and ash that collectively made up the bar room floor.
"If they kill off our travel perks, I guess we won't be able to go back and visit each year anymore", Bill offered disconsolately. It just doesn't seem fair."
"Yep, I kind of regret saying that hell would freeze over before I would support the opposition leader on anything but, Bill, I'm with you on that one, Rob responded. Hey, maybe it's a conspiracy to stop me coaching Winston back into form?"
Everyone, including the barman, groaned at that one.
As one, the group, less Rob, stood and walked out dejectedly.
Norm turned and said to Keith "You know what? There's a lot to be learned from what Rob says".
What?" Keith exhaled as the colour drained from his cheeks.
"If we didn't have Rob reminding us how bad the 'good old days' actually were, it would be so easy to drift back there again – to tariffs and protectionism and all that other stuff that nearly bankrupted us."
Lest We Forget
The first week of September is replete with poignant reminders of the frailty of mankind.
On the first of September 1939, Germany invaded Poland and thereby triggered WW2. On 2 Sep 1945, Japan signed an unconditional surrender to bring WW2 to an end. The 5th of Sept 1975 was the day the London Hilton was bombed by the IRA and on the 6th, in 1997, millions around the world watched the funeral of Diana, Princess of Wales. On 7 Sep 1940, London was blitzed by German bombers.
It's the sort of week that reminds me that, even though a week in politics can be a very long time - it can be much worse for those who are the unwitting victims of man's inhumanity to man.
ENDS
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